head up, swaying to my own sound
by long time brother
Summary: mikaelson family / chaos: "I regret to inform you, Miss Forbes," Elijah tells her as he slides his phone back into his pocket, "that as of this moment in time, you are now currently our hostage." / Or Kol Mikaelson discovers modern music and the twenty first century seems to have been moulded just for him.
1. all i know is

**A/N: **Um. I shouldn't be here. At all. I have an exam tomorrow. And the day after Wednesday. And the day after that, too. They're the serious type of exams, as well. More serious than Elijah. But, _Kol _withdrawal_._

Also, I've been trying to brush up my writing / story skills—if you guys could please take the time to review and tell me what you think of it, I'd be very grateful. I hope you enjoy this and it makes you laugh!

Another also: the storyline of this is set in Season 3-ish. After the ball and without Esther.

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**head up, swaying to my own sound**

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_'If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton—you might as well make it dance.'_

**George Bernard Shaw**

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**all i know is**

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_"Everybody loves me,"_ Kol Mikaelson sings loudly and purposely out-of-tune as he lathers his hair with the shampoo he's stolen off Stefan Salvatore, just to piss him off. He picks up another shampoo—one of Elijah's—and looks at it thoughtfully.

"Kol, if you even think of using my shampoo, you can kiss goodbye to that shiny Mustang you're planning on stealing from Finnick."

Elijah's voice rings around the Mikaelson mansion as Kol drops the shampoo in shock. He wonders how in the world Elijah knows everything, shrugs and continues singing. _"Looks so good, I might die—all I know is everybody loves me!"_

Sitting downstairs on Niklaus' precious Persian rug that she must not touch under any circumstances or risk eternal sleep by dagger once again—"Really, Nik; you have _got_ to think of something original. Pun totally intended."—and painting her nails, Rebekah Mikaelson rolls her eyes. "KOL!" she yells, "Would you, for the sake of God, turn off that stupid song? We've had to listen to it for weeks—why are you not sick of it?"

"Because, sister dear," Kol grins as the chorus comes up once again, "_EVERYBODY LOVES ME_!"

"NO, THEY DON'T!"

Rebekah accidentally spills her polish onto Nik's rug. She gapes at it for a minute before hearing Kol's singing once again and shrugs. "Blame it on Kol," she decides.

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Upstairs, Kol gets out of the shower, still humming, and revels in the freshness of the water. _Ahh_, he thinks happily. A century that seems to have been made just for him.

Flat screen TVs. Shiny sports cars. Low-cut dresses.

A dream come true.

Dropping his towel, Kol pulls on a pair of jeans and smirks when he catches sight of Nik's latest obsession—the neurotic blonde he can't stop drawing; seriously, the guy has a problem, Kol's found almost ten pictures of Caroline Forbes and that's just in the kitchen—stalking up to the mansion. She's narrowed her eyes up at the home before banging on the door angrily, with a scowl pushing at her lips.

"KLAUS!"

Kol leans out of the window. "Need a hand, darling?"

"No, I do not need a—!" Caroline looks up, gapes and recoils. "Why are you _half naked_?" she demands, smacking her hands over her eyes.

"What kind of world do we live in, Caroline, that I can't walk around my own home without being interrogated?" Kol dramatically presses a hand to his heart. "And why have you got your eyes covered? We all know you want to get a bit of _this_."

"Caroline!" Rebekah pushes herself up onto the window sill, airing out her still drying fingernails. "What brings you here? Other than your annoying tendency to deny any sort of attraction to Nik and then hunt him out anyway?"

Caroline splutters.

Rebekah smiles.

As if the ensemble couldn't have been better already, Elijah props himself out of the kitchen window, glancing up and calls up to Kol, "Kol. You really must stop stealing Rebekah's magazines and putting them in my bedroom. I don't understand why you think I wouldn't actually notice thousands of scantily clad women pasted up all over my walls." He seems to notice Caroline. "Good morning, Miss Forbes. Niklaus is not currently here but if you'd like to come inside, we'll be sure to call him for you."

"He'll probably come racing back when he hear she's here," Rebekah snorts and then frowns. "Wait—what was that about my magazines?"

Before Kol can answer, Finn's shouts ricochet around the whole mansion. Caroline is the only one who is actually startled.

"KOL!" he yells angrily. "_Where_ did you put my favourite jacket? You have three seconds or I'm taking away your T.V prices!"

"It's _privileges_, Finn," Elijah corrects as Rebekah rolls her eyes.

"What Elijah said!"

"One second, darlings." Kol simply smirks, waggles his fingers at Caroline who rolls her eyes and swaggers back into his room, carelessly. One second and he's got all of Rebekah's Vogue magazines spread out all over Elijah's bed. One second and he's stolen the keys to Finn's precious Mustang. One second and Rebekah's second pot of nail varnish spills to the carpet, courtesy of Kol.

Caroline's wondering if she should just call back when all of the Mikaelsons in the mansion begin shouting, "KOL!"

"Kol Mikaelson, if you do not—,"

"YOU OWE ME A NEW BOX—,"

"Kol, you have my keys and I'm—,"

The young Mikaelson only grins to himself as he yanks up the volume to his currently favourite song. _"ALL I KNOW IS EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"_ Modern music, he thinks as his siblings tear into his room with murder in their hands and vehemence in their scowls.

"Anybody heard of knocking?"

A century made just for him.

_"Oh my!_

_Feels just like I don't try,_

_Looks so good I might die_

_All I know is—,"_

"You finish that," Rebekah growls, "and I'll finish you."

"Bring it, baby sister." Kol waits for the chorus to strike up once again before smiling. _"EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"_

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Caroline sits rather stiffly in the Mikaelson mansion, back ramrod straight as she grips her cup of tea—coffee is for peasants, Elijah tells her and Caroline makes a mental note to try Earl Grey—tightly and sips. "So."

Rebekah tilts her head as she sits, flopped casually with her feet up on a sofa opposite her. "So. What's got you racing to Nik first thing in the morning?"

She looks pretty casual for someone who just threw their brother out of the window, before brushing their hands off and inviting Caroline inside with a cheery smile. Caroline's still a little stunned. They're in one of the many sitting rooms in this mansion that nobody actually noticed was being built until it was too late.

Bright sunlight streams in the room as a cool breeze picks up. Caroline tries not to slurp her tea and her eyes rake over the sitting room curiously.

Hand-woven rugs. Porcelain vases. Stunning paintings.

Caroline pitifully compares the crystal chandelier to her own Sleeping Beauty night lamp that she still can't get to sleep without and takes another dredge of tea—is there anything stronger than this, please?

A completely unabashed Kol saunters in the sitting room, brushes off bits of glass from his hair and drops himself unceremoniously onto Rebekah's lap. Rebekah pushes him away with a disgruntled "Kol!" and looks back to Caroline for an answer.

"He—uh, he spray painted a pony onto my bedroom window," Caroline replies as Finn continues struggling with the remote. She glances towards him and offers, "You have to press the button. The one that says 'on'."

Finn looks rather surprised but there's gratefulness mingling with his features as he obediently presses "on" and the T.V switches itself on. "Thank you," he says to Caroline. He turns to Rebekah and Kol, unamused. "At least there is _someone_ who is willing to help me adjust."

Rebekah barely registers her brother, looking thoughtful as Kol hums under his breath. "Finn, just because I like watching you try to figure out the twenty first century by putting Nik's phone in his coffee doesn't mean I don't care," Kol tells him, eyes open with childish innocence as Caroline snorts into her tea.

"Wait," Rebekah says, "did you say spray paint? Because I could have sworn I saw some in Kol's room."

Three pairs of suspicious eyes swivel to the face of one young Mikaelson who simply smiles brighter. Kol tilts his head and says, "Did you guys hear that?"

"Hear what?" Finn frowns.

_"Head down,_

_Swaying to my own sound,_

_Flashes in my face now—,"_

Rebekah groans. Finn rolls his eyes. Caroline purses her lips, sets down her tea and begins in her best stern voice, "So wait—_you're_ the one who spray painted my window?"

Before Kol can answer, Elijah's in the room, forehead creased as he pushes forwards a plate of biscuits. "For some reason, Niklaus," he tells Caroline who instinctively sits up straighter, "isn't answering his phone—,"

"Well, that's okay, then!" Caroline gets up. "I should get going; it wasn't even Nik—I mean, Klaus. It was Kol." Her face flushes.

"No, no," Elijah shakes his head. "We very rarely get visitors."

"Nothing to do with the fact that we're murderous, raging psychopaths, of course," Kol flashes a grin and continues humming, "_All I know is everybody loves me_."

Elijah's phone starts ringing and he presses Caroline further. "You should stay, Caroline. I'm sure Niklaus will be home soon. Rebekah could do with the company, I'm sure. If you'll excuse me, I must take this call."

Finn stops jabbing at the remote and leans over Elijah's shoulder, curiously. "Why is the doppelgänger calling you? More importantly, _how_ is she calling you?"

"You have the doppelgänger's number?" Rebekah crinkles up her nose in distaste. "Why—Caroline, sit _down_."

Caroline sits down.

"Niklaus thought it prudent to tap into Miss Gilbert's phone—if you'll all please excuse me," Elijah mutters, frowning before he leaves the room, shutting the door behind him and taps at his phone.

Three Mikaelson faces and one Forbes face turn to glance at each other briefly before they all fly to the door and press their ears against it, to get the best possible sound. Rebekah pushes at Kol who simply brandishes her favourite lipstick as blackmail material, throws it at the window and lets her dive for it. To make matters worse, Elijah seems to have pushed at one of Kol's speakers so his favourite song plays along with the conversation.

_"I see…"_

_"Oh my!_

_Feels just like I don't—,"_

Caroline mouths, "What does he see?"

_"I see… no, of course…"_

_"—So good I might die,"_

Kol's singing along to the music as Rebekah hisses whispered abuse at him to shut the hell up—if _ever_ there was a song made for him.

_"You do what you must."_

There's a click, the music stills and everyone rushes to appear normal.

Rebekah stops cradling her lipstick, pushing herself back onto the sofa and crossing her legs before uncrossing them as Finn appears to be in the middle of asking Caroline what the blue button does. Caroline plays along when the door opens to reveal Elijah who's raised his eyebrows, and blurts out, "I see—uh, I mean. The button. It lets you see. The T.V. It lets you see the T.V."

"I see," Finn replies as his eyes flash up to Elijah and he hastens to add, "The T.V! I see the T.V! Thank you, Caroline."

Kol's collapsed onto the sofa—the only one who looks normal—and he grins up at Elijah. "So, Elijah, what are you going to do?"

Elijah looks at him thoughtfully as Rebekah demands to know what Kol's talking about but all Kol does is tap at his phone and listens to his music. The eldest Mikaelson moves back into the room and faces Caroline, who's sitting upright onto the sofa.

"I regret to inform you, Miss Forbes," Elijah tells her as he slides his phone back into his pocket, "that as of this moment in time, you are now currently our hostage."

Rebekah rolls her eyes. "Elijah—,"

"Rebekah, I would like to explain."

She waves a hand—this should be good.

"The reason I have taken this decision is because Elena Gilbert and her friends have somehow managed to desiccate Niklaus," Elijah begins in his speech voice—the one he used to address the crew of the Titanic, the one he used to help Winston Churchill, the one he used to intimidate the postman. "They are holding him hostage until we placate them with promises of leaving Mystic Falls and them all alone. Now, you see, Miss Forbes, I have no intention of uprooting my family away from their home especially when we have done nothing wrong—,"

"That's not true," Finn interrupts, "Kol almost burnt down the puppy shelter last Thursday."

Rebekah frowns. "Mystic Falls doesn't have a puppy shelter, Finn."

"Then who took in the donation money I gave?"

Kol snickers.

Elijah clears his throat. "Your brother is in danger and all you can think about is yourselves—as per usual," he scolds them sternly. "Caroline, _freeze_."

Caroline freezes in her half-standing-from-the-sofa-and-trying-to-sneak-out-without-anyone-noticing position—_damn_ it.

"Sit down."

She sits back down.

"You will stay here until a negotiation of some sorts is reached," Elijah orders. "There will be one phone call allotted to you. We will provide food and clothes—I'm sure Rebekah is more than willing to share. Have no fear—you shall not be harmed under this roof. Unless, of course, your friends refuse to hand over Niklaus."

Caroline's mouth drops open.

"I do believe the term you're searching for is OMG," Elijah smiles politely. "Would you like a biscuit?"

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**to be continued**


	2. everybody loves me

**A/N: **I kind of freaked out before the exam, tried to convince my mum I had a concussion and had to stay home otherwise I'd die and SHE WOULDN'T WANT THAT ON HER CONSCIENCE, NOW, WOULD SHE?

She just laughed.

Anyway, Kol's clever. I hope you enjoy this!

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**everybody loves me**

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In the Salvatore boarding house, Stefan's hand fumbles for his revered bottle of shampoo that even Damon knows not to touch. He finds a note instead:

_I owe you: NOTHING. _

_See ya, sucker._

_Kol—the Awesome Original_

"DAMON!"

Startled, Damon hears the agonising pain and torment tangling itself within Stefan's voice, surges out from the living room where everyone sits, looking startled, and glances around in a panic. "Stef—what is it? What's wrong?"

"KOL STOLE MY SHAMPOO!"

In the living room, propped up on a wooden chair and leaning dangerously out of it, a desiccated Klaus tries to groan and roll his eyes. Bonnie rolls her eyes for him as she settles herself more comfily on the sofas, with Elena watching Klaus, at her side. Jeremy's with Matt and Tyler—they're like the Three Musketeers, all watching Klaus to the point of obsession. Klaus would get freaked out if, you know, he _could_.

It's been a struggle, you see.

After endless sessions of brainstorming and drinking their way through the Salvatores' liquor cabinet, they've finally got him. It took one little distraction—"Caroline's looking for you,"—for Klaus to let down his guard, but it still took a hell of a lot of muscle and witchy juju so they could desiccate the Original hybrid. The Originals can finally stop terrorising the sleepy town of Mystic Falls, they can have normal lives again and everything can go back to the way it should.

Jeremy waits a beat. "Does anybody want a drink?"

"Jer, we can't let him out of our sight!" Elena says, slightly hysterical. "He's Klaus—he'll do something and then—,"

"Vampire Barbie's been taken hostage," Damon announces as he walks back into the living room. "Assemble battle stations."

No drinks, then.

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Caroline sighs.

Rebekah sighs.

Elijah flicks through his magazine—wouldn't that tie set off his blue checked shirt _beautifully_?

Kol continues singing, _"Everybody loves me."_

Even Finn's given up trying to figure out the T.V.

"Elijah…" Rebekah begins in a wheedling tone.

"I'm bored," Kol interrupts. "This hostage thing isn't as fun as I thought it would be. She's not even stripping."

"Ugh, Kol—you're disgusting," Caroline scrunches up her nose in disgust.

It's been a half hour since Elijah informed her friends she'd been taken hostage. Caroline had taken the opportunity to climb out of the bathroom window and had gotten caught by Rebekah. As per Elijah's orders, because there's no need to concern the Sheriff, she's lied to her mother—"I'm staying over at a friend's house; it's totally a friend, not even an Original, why would you say that?"—assured her she'll be in bed by nine and is currently flopped on a sofa, next to Rebekah, sighing every minute.

"I just don't get why we don't just kill them all?" Rebekah says as Caroline flinches and holds her breath. "It's what Nik's going to do, when he gets free, anyway."

"These are gentle negotiations, sister," Elijah tells her. "I cannot introduce us to this town as a peace-loving family when we've got blood on our hands. Not to mention, we gave our word to the Mayor there would be no bloodshed."

Caroline lets out a breath of relief.

"And, Kol, Caroline has been taken hostage," Elijah replies calmly. "This is not meant to be fun."

Kol slowly smiles—but it could be. Right?

"Elijah, have I ever told you how much I've admired your ties?' he begins and instantaneously, Elijah's eyes narrow in suspicion. "No, I'm being serious, big brother. They're beautiful—I must admit, however; I have, in the past, stolen one or two. Or maybe more. I couldn't help it!"

Rebekah rolls her eyes but Kol's got a plan and while he's talking to Elijah, he's also standing, pushing a quickly scribbled message towards the girls. Caroline's interest is peaked as she casually leans forwards and snatches the message out of his hands. Kol grins.

_Drinks at the Grill?_

And there's a picture of Kol with a speech bubble singing, "EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"

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"We shouldn't be doing this—Caroline's a hostage, Kol!" Rebekah protests but she still continues towards the Mystic Grill.

"You're right," Finn replies but doesn't show any sign of stopping, "Elijah wouldn't approve—,"

"What Elijah doesn't know," Kol says, "won't hurt him. Probably. Might hurt Nik, though."

Rebekah turns to Caroline suddenly. "You're still our hostage. If you run, we'll go back."

"Understood," Caroline nods.

Kol grins. Opens the door to the Grill. Bows dramatically. "Ladies first. That means you, Finn."

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Back in the Mikaelson mansion, Elijah's still talking, "And this is the tie I use for business meetings—see how it shines with purpose? And this one—my personal favourite—I use it whenever there's a fight. There's a bit of blood there; must remember to put in the wash. Oh and this one? There's a story behind this one, Kol—Kol? Are—Rebekah? Finn? Caroline?"

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In the Mystic Grill, Kol orders, "Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol."

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"KOL!"

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Kol grins.

_"Everybody loves me!"_

There's going to be a party tonight.

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"We could—no," Bonnie shakes her head.

It's dark and everyone's still in the Salvatore boarding house, still in the same stiff positions, still watching Klaus so much they see him with their eyes closed. Stefan taps his pen on the table he's sitting at distractedly.

Tyler gives him a look.

Stefan stops tapping his pen.

The Salvatore boarding house descends into silence once again.

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Drinks pour freely. The room blurs. Laughter runs amok.

Caroline and Rebekah are up on the bar, heels in hand and shimmying together as if their lives depend on it. They've also juggling drinks in their hands, spilling liquids all over everything, crooning, _"Oh my! Feels just like I don't try!"_

Finn's drunker than Dionysus, playing darts and laughs so hard he falls to the floor, when he breaks the dartboard. "CANNONBALL!" he yells as he jumps on the pool table and smashes straight through it.

Applause breaks out. More drinks. Faster—faster—

_"Looks so good I might die!"_

Kol nods happily to the girls surrounding him and when he sees his sister and Caroline dancing, laughter escapes his lips as he leaps up to join them. Pulls off his shirt. Wolf-whistles. More drinks!

"This is so fun!" Caroline's screaming.

_"All I know is,_

_Everybody loves me!"_

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Elena's sobbing. "What if she's hurt?"

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"To ties! And ponies!" Caroline downs the shot. "WOOH, BITCHES!"

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"O-or," Elena sniffles, "being tortured? What if they've got a worse dungeon than you guys?"

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"I'M HAVING THE BEST TIME EVER!" Caroline slides down the bar on her knees.

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Bonnie passes over another tissue.

The Salvatore boarding house is quiet once again.

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Alcohol pours faster than Mystic Falls gossip. The room's spinning—is it supposed to? There's a whole throng of people surrounding four in the middle of the Grill. Everybody's cheering. Drinks are spilt. The bartender's washcloth flies.

Caroline's taking shots. She drops one, gapes at the crowd and bursts out laughing. Rebekah's pulling strangers up to dance with her. She pushes them away once she's done and the crowd continues laughing. Finn waltzes with his beer, humming Blue Danube—people edge a little away from him. And Kol?

What do _you_ think?

_"Flashes in my face now!_

_All I know is—,"_

He points at everyone with his makeshift microphone—a glass of beer—and takes a swig. Grins. They all—Rebekah, Caroline, Finn the rest of the Grill—finish off,

_ "EVERYBODY LOVES ME!"_

BANG!

Elijah suddenly bursts into the Mystic Grill and there's this swirling cloud of raw anger that forms around him as he stalks in slowly. Dark Mikaelson eyes turn to examine the damage.

Broken snooker table—Finn.

Cowering Mystic Grill manager under the bar—Kol.

Shards of accidentally smashed shot glasses—Rebekah.

Screaming, "I LOVE YOU GUYS!"—Caroline.

Narrowing his eyes at the four who unconsciously edge closer, Elijah takes a deep breath. "Out. Now." It's all he can manage to get out as he rakes his eyes around the Grill, eyeing the now-guilty-looking crowd who turn away and the manager gets out from under the bar, rather self-consciously, patting down his jacket—"I dropped something," is his excuse as Kol snorts.

"We're in _so_ much trouble," Rebekah moans to the others as they scramble to get out of the Grill. "I'm blaming this on you, Kol."

Kol hums but there's a rather devious smile flickering about the young Mikaelson's features.

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In the Salvatore boarding house, something happens.

Klaus strains his ears, eyes unblinking as a curious Damon rubs at his eyes and glances outside. Elena and Bonnie are curled up on the sofa, sleeping after all their brainstorming—so much for best friends forever. Tyler, Jeremy and Matt are straining to keep their own eyes open; they've stared at Klaus so much Klaus feels like he could become a bloody model.

A faint sound dances over, whispering on the breeze.

Stefan blinks. "I'm awake!"

Damon sets down his glass. He's got his "I'm Thinking" eyebrows on. Stefan falls back asleep, drooling on his journal.

Everyone else but Damon fall asleep.

_"Everybody loves me!"_

Klaus wonders—hasn't he heard that song before?

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"Completely irresponsible especially when Niklaus—your brother…when will you learn—it's not…"

Elijah's scolding them all.

Rebekah, Finn, Caroline and Kol are lined up beside each other, appropriate humbleness etched into their feature as Elijah paces up and down. Caroline's trying not to giggle because Elijah's tie is crooked though he'd never admit it and Rebekah's mouthing his speech in a rather childish slur.

Finn pouts, "Brother, you took me away from my one true love!"

Elijah splutters. "Do you all not understand the seriousness of this situation? Your brother is in GRAVE DANGER!"

Caroline giggles.

Elijah rubs his temples because really, he should get paid for this kind of thing—he gives up. "All of you to bed. I'll deal with you in the morning."

They obediently traipse upstairs, Rebekah almost falling down over air—"THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE!"—as Finn continues moaning about his lost beer. Caroline and Rebekah flop into Rebekah's room, Finn walks into his bedroom wall but Kol seems to be the most tolerant of the lot.

Kol's still humming under his breath as he walks into his own bedroom. He can hear Rebekah and Caroline giggling drunkenly and plotting to steal alcohol from their wine cellar. He can hear Finn moaning that he has to pee and could Elijah show him where the _barthrome_ is, please?

The young Mikaelson pushes the button on his music.

_"Oh, my!"_

Yanks up his window.

_"Feels just like I don't try!"_

Leaps out like a cat.

_"Looks so good I might die!"_

Runs towards the forest.

_"All I know is,"_

Klaus' ears prick up.

_"Everybody loves me!"_

"So this is the Salvatore boarding house? They'd better have booze."

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**to be continued**


	3. everybody, everybody loves me

**A/N: **So I thought I'd finish it the last chapter but I suppose not, huh? Thank you to everyone who reviewed and favourited and followed! I somehow managed to find time to finish this off so I hope you all enjoy it!

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**everybody, everybody loves me**

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Kol kicks open the door to the Salvatore boarding house as easily as if he's simply stealing one of Elijah's ties and watches as it sails off its hinges. "Well, hello, brother."

The Mystic Falls gang are so tuckered out, they hardly stir. It's only Damon who groggily glances up at the unruly Mikaelson and gets up. He jabs his empty glass at Kol and says, "You're not wanted, Original prick."

"Hey," Kol puts up his arms, "I'm only here to fetch my brother—there's no need to be rude. Damon the Idiot, wasn't it?"

Damon only smirks. "Where's the rest of your family? Have you guys gotten sick of Vampire Barbie?"

Kol enters the room, humming absentmindedly, as he nears Elena and drift a lazy finger across her cheek. He smiles when Damon growls. "I couldn't have them come with me, if that's what you're saying. It's why I got them so drunk they couldn't see a thing and Elijah would have to take care of them," Kol replies. He dangles one of the chains encircling his brother and examines it carefully. "It's rusting, mate."

Klaus tries to groan—why is Kol taking so long?

Seeming to recognise his brother's impatience, Kol smiles. "You did dagger me for two hundred years, Nik."

Klaus stares—_this again?_

"Could you have your family feud somewhere else?" Damon's hand tightens on the chair next to him. "We had a deal—we get Caroline back and you get Klaus if you all get the hell out of this town."

"There's a problem with your deal," Kol tells him casually. "Elijah doesn't like it—he wants us all to stay here as a family. Quite frankly, for most probably the first and last time, I have to agree—I want to stay here with my family."

"So why did you get them all drunk?" Damon asks and his hand breaks the chair.

"Damon, Damon, Damon," Kol shakes his head. "I may have been … _sleeping_ for the past two hundred years but I think I know a diversion tactic when I see one. Nevertheless, I'll explain anyway because I'm clever—I got them all drunk so I could get out Nik by myself. Elijah's plan was obviously not working so I had to speed things up a bit. Nik's an idiot, yes, a _big_ one but he's still my big brother."

Klaus isn't sure whether to take Kol's words as a twisted compliment or an insult.

"Clever," Damon acknowledges.

"I know."

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"Rebekah. Caroline."

Elijah takes a deep breath as the two blondes stop giggling and look suitably guilty. He puts a hand on the banisters and eyes the girls who are currently lugging out his favourite box of alcohol. Caroline, for some reason, has one of his ties wrapped around her head and Rebekah's got wine stains on her top that she will most certainly freak out about the next morning.

"Please. Just go to bed."

"Fine," Rebekah mumbles.

"Killjoy," Caroline adds.

They start to drag themselves up the stairs.

"And leave the alcohol."

"Even bigger killjoy."

"Wanna spray paint his ties, Caroline?"

"I can hear you."

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"You need a witch to undo the desiccation spell," Damon says.

"Bonus points for pointing out the obvious, Salvatore. Think I didn't know that?"

Damon tilts his head, ignoring Kol. "Have we met?"

_Flashes of Damon drinking an entire town dry, memories of Kol joining him until they parted ways on a rather dry note—Damon makes a pass at Kol's choice of leather jacket, Kol shakes his head—"Designer. As in, I stole this off the designer before sucking him dry." _

_Damon scoffs, "I've got a better one." _

_Kol glares, "You're my mate so I'll let you go. Leave."_

"I've met a lot of people—and you don't particularly stand out."

Klaus tries to snicker—_burn_.

"Not the squirrel," Stefan mumbles in his sleep.

"Now, if you don't mind," Kol tells Damon as he rips off the chains and drags Klaus to his feet. "_Stand_, would you? If you don't mind, I'm going to take my brother, we're going to forget this even happened so Elijah won't get mad at me for burning this place down and everyone's going to live happily ever after."

Klaus sags.

"I said, _stand_, Nik. I'm not carrying you—this isn't _The Princess Bride_."

Damon shakes his head. "I do mind, actually," he snarls and spidery veins around his eyes begin to surface.

Kol laughs. "You have no chance. Accept my deal or get your head ripped off."

"How do we know Mystic Falls is going to be safe again?"

Rolling his eyes, Kol pushes Klaus up again and takes hold of his little finger. "Look, he pinky promises, okay? Caroline says that's the most sacred promise this generation can ever make so he pinky promises to leave the boring residents of Mystic Falls alone. Got it?"

Damon blinks.

"You have to curl your pinky around Nik's."

"I know what a pinky promise is!"

"So do it!"

Slowly and rather incredulously, Damon curls his little finger around Klaus' indignant one as Kol snickers. He glances around, announces, "Well, we'll be off, then," and drags Klaus out. Before they're completely gone, Kol looks back and says, "You might want to look into getting that door fixed, you know? Place looks messy."

.

.

_"Everybody loves me—,"_

Elijah rubs at his head. "Kol," he pushes open the door, "could you please turn down the music? I can't get to—Kol?"

"ELIJAAAAAAH!"

"Finn, have you seen Kol?"

"I think I've locked myself in the _bathrome_!"

.

.

"And I have your word Caroline and my friends will be unharmed?" Bonnie demands quickly, words falling like water out of her lips—the sleeping spell she's placed on everyone won't work for long.

"Yes, yes, little witch," Kol says airily as he props up Klaus against a tree in the forest, "now release the spell from my brother."

Bonnie concentrates albeit a little hesitantly, focusing on Klaus who simply looks at her. Her hands curl a little and the air crackles. Wind howls. Leaves hiss. The veins pushing at Klaus' body begin to edge away, slowly, as Klaus' normal colour returns. She glances up at Kol.

"You're going to have to carry him home," Bonnie folds her arms, "he's very weak."

She doesn't even bother hiding her smug smirk.

Kol grimaces—the things he does for this family. When he gets home, he's buying himself an Oscar.

.

.

_"Head down!"_

Elijah manages to unlock Finn out from the bathroom.

_"Swaying to my own sound!"_

He checks the other rooms.

_"Flashes in my face now!"_

"Kol's probably gone back to the Grill," Finn tells him.

_"All I know is everybody loves me!"_

Elijah's just about to phone up Kol when the front door crashes open with a bang and a rather dishevelled and very pissed-off Kol stalks in, dragging Niklaus behind him. "I got our brother back—BOW DOWN TO ME, PEASANTS!"

_"Everybody loves me!"_

.

.

The next morning sees the first morning where the Mikaelsons are not yelling for Kol's immediate desiccation—rather they all, barring Kol, sit at the table, eating breakfast quite calmly.

Caroline awkwardly nurses her hangover by gulping down water and stealing Rebekah's glasses, as well. Rebekah doesn't even want to pick up her head, choosing to just lay it down on her plate. Finn's tasting croissants. Elijah is straightening his tie. Klaus pretends not to eye Caroline.

Everyone's waiting for Kol.

There's a distinct lack of music blaring through the home and for some reason, they all quite miss it.

Elijah taps at the table distractedly.

Kol snores loudly. He's slumped on his huge king-size bed—the one he'd persuaded Nik into getting for him: "You did dagger me, you know. For two hundred years. Means I've got a lot of annoying you to catch up on. Wouldn't annoy you as much if, say, I got this bed?"—, the soft white sheets swathing around him.

Finn drops his croissant.

Kol snores louder.

Rebekah glances at Klaus.

Kol's still snoring.

Caroline swallows more water.

Kol _won't_ stop snoring.

Klaus rolls his eyes. "Kol," his fork clatters to the table, "we all know you're awake— do us all a favour and get down here so we can give you the car Elijah bought for you."

"Oh, you shouldn't have!"

Kol's hand finds his speakers.

_"Everybody loves me!"_

.

.

**fin**


End file.
